Hating me to Loving Me

Let’s travel back in time just a little ways… all the way back to October 2017…
I took a selfie with my hair all splayed out on my silver duvet cover…
The sunlight was just perfect, my eyes were clear and bright, and I was observing just how incredible I felt looking at 10 months of growth of my hair… (photo below)

This was some of my happiest moments letting my hair grow out natural and messing with people’s head’s and their projections and expectations while I did it!
Like how UNREASONABLE I was to let my hair go natural! LOL

People would say… “Lorene, don’t you think it’s time to dye your hair yet?”
and I would reply… “Nah I’m thrilled my sparkles are coming out to shine and be seen!”

Or… “Don’t you think having grey hairs will make you look old?”
my reply… “Nah, age is an inside job! And I still feel 30!”

Or… “Aren’t you worried what your man will think?”
my reply… “Hahaha, if he can’t accept me and my sparkles then he doesn’t deserve to be in my life!”

However all this back and forth often made me contemplate all the times in my life previous to this where I had bent and buckled to other people’s comments and criticisms…
Which of course were just a reflection of how I felt about myself at that time… :-/

And then how I had been that with my own Mum… šŸ˜¦
Sorry Mum for that comment when I was 18years old saying that letting your hair grow out made you look old… That was super mean and uncaring! Not Cool Jan!
Please know that in saying that to you, I also judged myself for YEARS for having grey hairs popping out of my own head…

Now I LOVE them!
Especially my streaks that are at my temples…
I used to really get angry with them cause they NEVER took dye well… Now they are one of my most treasured features šŸ™‚

We all make mistakes in things we say when we are functioning from our own ‘hurt space’.

At that time, when I was 18 years old, I was going through a lot of adjustments and emotional and physical shifts and changes, and sadly I didn’t want to admit that others were going through their own changes.

I thought and assumed that they should be and look just how I left them…

Very naive I know… I was 18 and experiencing teeny tiny fishy in a massive ocean syndrome… and it was not pleasant…

I was looking for familiarity and home and sameness, and I didn’t find it that day… and I was angry…

Again, I’m sorry Mum… Kids and adults say bloody dumb shit when they are struggling and stressed. It doesn’t make it ok by any means…

I had sort of left my small home town in rural New Zealand, gone half an island away to the massive Wellington area to further my education as an architectural draftsman. I was struggling horribly with homesickness and loneliness, all the people, and new rules, and no rules, and all the people, and having to make new friends, and all the people, and learning how to live with a bunch of strangers, and did I mention… all the freaking PEOPLE!

I missed the stability of home, and work, and high school. I missed knowing exactly where everything was. I hated feeling so bloody alone even though I was surrounded by so many others. I was painfully shy and not sure how to express myself…

I was shit scared of rejection and being labelled as a freak/geek/weirdo/nerd (again)

I found myself observing a lot, not saying a lot, till I found my peeps, THEN they couldn’t shut me up! LOL
I constantly would be interrupting them with “Ohhh that reminds me of…..” or “That’s like the time I……”
I was so desperate to prove that I wasn’t a looser, that I could be a good friend, please don’t leave me, cause I really am trying to connect with you in the best way I know how… (with verbal diarrhea…) whoops :-/

Luckily I did manage to find a couple of very patient people… maybe they were just as scared as me, who knows… but we did create a friendship… one of whom is still a friend today! How did I get so lucky?

Fast forward to Oct 2021… and it’s 25 years since that crappy comment to my Mum…

I’ve done and created so much awesomeness in my world, and been through some pretty challenging things too…

Those rejection trigger points are a lot less these days…
Making close friends is still a work in progress… I do have a lot more allowance for the fluidity of friendship these days, and don’t hold on so damn tight… Some of the strongest friendships I have we speak only a few times a year, but when we do, it’s from that deep heart space without the “small talk” that I don’t do well with…

Unless it’s the weather, man I could talk about that till the cows come home!!!

It’s amazing how much clarity you can have 25 years, and LOADS of inner healing, later šŸ˜‰

I have had by far waaaaaaaaay more complements about my hair (once it was all completely natural) than I ever had when it was being dyed every 3 weeks!

The sparkles won!!! and they love being adored and acknowledged!

It’s crazy how a choice made at Christmas 2016 to listen to and honour my body and when she demanded no more hair dye! Just how much that one little choice has changed so much in my world…

My allowance of my body has grown, my ability to receive has grown, my gifts talents and abilities have increased, my friend circles have changed and become freaking AWESOME, my willingness to stand up for myself and have my own back has exponentialized, my willingness to have and acknowledge my own desires and dreams has increased dramatically, and my knowing of what’s true for me no matter how loud anyone else is, is now paramount in my world.

One little choice that lead onto many other little and big choices, and a whole heap of brutal honesty and inner healing. Getting rid of and letting go of so much anger, rage, disappointment, despair, grief, sadness, points of views, projections and expectations, and control…
and then embracing the soft side of me, the vulnerable side, the grateful side, the fun side, the sexy side, the feminine and goddess within, the side with hopes and dreams and goals, and continuing to use and be grateful for my strength, my tenacity, my stubbornness, my work ethic, and my creativity… instead of judging any or all of the above.

So I’m curious…
What do you have about you that you’ve hated or judged tremendously before that now you don’t???
I learnt how to #BeBoldBeBraveBeMe Are you willing to #BeBoldBeBraveBeYou?

10 months growth ~ Oct 2017

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