I wrote a piece today about my story of when suicide first properly touched my world… I made a video to tell it… which is at the bottom for those of you who are in that bubble…

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Here it is if you wish to read along too….

So it’s Suicide Prevention Week….

This is a story I have only told a few people due to the criticism and judgement

I have received on occasion from people that made me keep it as something very close to my chest for a long time…

Back when I was a 19 year old Uni Student, I was in my 2nd year of university… still terribly home sick.. and in the throws of a really messy breakup with my boyfriend who had chosen to start seeing my good friend.. I wasn’t coping with my studies… and while I tried my best to talk, my friends were tired of listening… I was numb… everything was dull, bland, tasteless and pointless… I was in a very deep dark hole with no conceivable way out and absolutely no light at the top…

So I planned out the how and the when of leaving this body for good… I later called it “going sideways”… I never told anyone what I was planning to do…

And then something miraculous happened…

It was a week before D-day.. I decided to go into town to get a few things… you know to “make peace” before I left… it was strange because the trains weren’t working and so were replaced by buses.. I took a taxi… I thought “Why not? I’m not going to need that money, I’ll be gone this time next week..”
I walked in a daze like bubble around the shops and picked up a few things for my flatmate and the flat.. Then it was time to leave…

I walked back to the train station.. The trains still weren’t running and the buses were running late… and there wasn’t a taxi in sight…

So I chose to walk home… It would take over an hour but I didn’t care… I walked the longer way through the back streets… I was this person walking in a bubble of depression, loss and helplessness… shoulders hunched… sad eyes.. almost a zombie walking…

I continued wandering down the path and through a tiny pin prick hole in the bubble a smell began to tickle my nose… I frowned.. I hadn’t really smelled anything in months… What was that??? I took my eyes off my feet and saw a man mowing his lawns.. I breathed in again… A slightly deeper breath… I hadn’t breathed deeply in a long time…
The hole in the bubble began to open just a bit more…
‘Oh that’s the smell of cut grass..’
a slight softening of my lips occurred..
I breathed deeply some more….
I walked further down the path…
I heard a bird chirping in a tree…
‘Hmm that was a bird’ I thought … My ears which had been numb and like filled with cotton wool began to clear…
I breathed again…

The hole in the bubble got just a little bigger… The more I was able to receive.. the more the universe and this beautiful planet was able to gift me…
A child on a pink 3 wheeled trike with tassels in the handle bars rode towards me giggling her head off… I watched her as she rode up to and passed me… for the first time in many months I actually almost managed a genuine smile… ‘Oh to have no cares like that’ I thought… and my smile dropped.
I breathed…

As I continued down the foot path the sky was clear blue… the sun was warm…
Then it happened… as if by magic I looked up… the most beautiful rainbow was spread across the sky… I stopped in my tracks.. dropped my shopping on the footpath and touched my cheeks… I could actually feel them… and I smiled… I breathed deeply.. I mean really deeply.. I close my eyes and breathed.. and I smiled…

I still to this day can’t tell you how long I stood there… All I knew was that in that moment the bubble pretty much disappeared… I was raw.. I was vulnerable.. but I was back to having my body and me together again… I could smell, I could hear, I could feel, I could smile…

That rainbow followed me for quite a while… gifting to me the energy to keep going… contributing to me in a way that I had never experienced before.. All I knew at the time was that it was special… and that I could just maybe keep going..

The heaviness in my world didn’t instantly disappear at that time but it certainly eased a great deal.. I was finally able to begin to choose for me and create some ease in my world.. I dropped out of the most creatively demanding part of my architecture studies and focused on the boring legal stuff.. I passed that with ease.. I eventually moved out and away from the friends circle I had created which was creating so much angst and hurt…
I went to live back in the halls of residence where I met new people…
I was quiet… I made a few new friends and we walked in nature… I also created other ways of being able to feel and be loved… it was the most lovely summer that year.. being loved for me..

and slowly very slowly I began to find a new path… a path for me…

Now this retelling of a period of my life is not to seek pity or a woah is me my life was so crap thing.. I tell this so others who may be feeling like they are in that bubble just might be inspired to breathe a little bit easier… to know they are not alone…

The one thing that is different for ME now, is that I know I have a full on tool box of tips and tricks to help me dissolve those moments of helplessness and hopelessness…

These days getting my BARS® run in those moments of super high stress and emotional turmoil and also now as a regular maintenance for my body, is one of the most life changing things I have added to my world.. It has created ways over the last 3 years for me to move through the loss of my 2 babies, my marriage ending and the death of my Grandad, with so much more ease than I ever thought possible..

The way it relaxes my body just from someone simply touching the head for a hour or so is a magical and incredible experience…

I am so grateful for the gift of receiving and running the BARS® that I really don’t know where I would have been if it hadn’t come along when it did…

For Suicide Prevention week I am gifting a session to someone who really has been so courageous in their life over the last month.. She’s been through a lot and jumped at the chance to experience this for the first time.. and I am so thrilled to be able to gift her a session…

So if you my friend are reading this and it resonates with you and are thinking man I am ready to try anything.. well done my friend! You have taken the very first step of knowing that something else is possible…
Just my interesting point of view, please find a BARS® practitioner or facilitator in your area… if you can’t or don’t know how.. let me know and I’ll find some options for you.. and if you are in Adelaide… well, I would with pleasure, love to book in a session for you..

Inspired by the words of some pretty magical people in my life

Please know,
You are not alone,
You are a miracle walking,
You are amazing,
You are a gift,
You are loved…

Kia kaha, arohanui whanau…
and if I can give you any thing at all…
Here’s a huge Kiwi Cuddle just for you my sweet friend…

and remember to Breathe…..
I adore you
~Lorene Hughes~