What Happened When I Said “Hell NO!” To Relationships…

 

As you may know already I have not had the easiest run with men in my life… but through it all I have somehow managed to keep positive that next time I will do better…

And now as I sit at home reflecting on many things from the last few months, love, lust, straight up curiosity and a casual flirtation or bonk… I have a huge sense of gratitude for the people who have shown up in my world at the moment… I haven’t just done a bit better than last time… I am actually choosing what makes my heart and body sing in unison! I have a special man in my world who plays with my being, body and mind as no one else has done before and yet he has no desire to control me! In saying that though, if he did have that desire I wouldn’t be choosing him either! See, I have gotten wiser and a great deal more in tune with my intuition than before! 😉( I refer back to one of my previous blogs about what I thought of my first husband when I met him! )
I ALSO have other gentlemen in my world at the moment who enjoy playing with my mind, personal growth, and really love to play in the world of double entendre, flirting yes they all know about each other too… I have wonderful and supportive friends who probably think I’m nuts most of the time but really enjoy having me in their world as a little ray of sunshine in their space, inviting them to a different possibility and a smile or 5…

So while I write this, it’s not a wooo look how awesome I am, kind of a blog… There is an element I really wish to look deeper into… and this is the aspect of choice…

When I sat myself down at the end of 2016 and looked at the 5 elements of intimacy (Honour, Trust, Vulnerability, Gratitude, Allowance) and also got brutally honest with myself as to what I (my body and not my mind) truly desired in a partner… A relationship was totally out of the equation! I just couldn’t stand the thought of yet another 24 hour 7 day a week job… Yup that’s the harshness of where I stood with relationships… It was like, oh hell NO! I am so totally done with all that controlling and struggle and loss of me… And so I thought and I asked…. All right body, if “relationship” isn’t for you then what is it that you would like to choose???? Please show me… sparkle, get tingly, do what ever you have to do to show me what it is YOU desire, not what I, my limited mind, THINKS you should do and have…. What is it that you would truly like to receive??? And I’ll try my very best to be aware of you and listen to what you would really like for a change…

And so began the journey of choosing based on the awareness of my super brilliant body!
When she tingles, I listen… when she feels like throwing up, I listen… when I go to call someone and she feels super heavy, I listen and don’t make the call till she is tingly and it feels light and fun to do so… before I accept an agency job I listen to the tingles… if they are there then Awesome! If not.. well then, no thanks! And what’s next…

 

I reflect on how easy my world is now that I can Trust my body in what she tells me… She’s never been wrong in the past, I have chosen not to listen and that’s a whole other thing!

I know now that when I have Honoured her in what we have chosen or done, that everything has worked out far better than I could have imagined…
When I have allowed myself to be Vulnerable and actually receive the messages, and to act accordingly, that I have been continuously blessed with gift after gift from happiness, to ease, to joyousness, to love and even more… even when things have come up that were super hard and painful to move through… with the vulnerability and willingness to receive from others it was so much easier to be in that space for that time…

 

The last two elements (encase you didn’t catch I was working through them! Hee hee) have been huge game changers for me…. Hmmmm which one first???? Inky… pinky… ponky…

 

Gratitude… Ahh yes gratitude…

Gratitude for others has always been fairly easy for me to express, even if sometimes it wasn’t always received well…

I would express it through my willingness to give to people, to do more for and with them, to hug and love them… but there was one vital aspect I was missing… I wasn’t grateful for me or my body… and well that didn’t float for me anymore… and so I began to make the choice and the demand in my world to always have gratitude for me and my body and my being and my mind… I chose to exercise the muscles of Gratitude over the ones of judgement…

Because I knew that you can’t have Gratitude and judgement at the same time… and my body was crying out for the big G… yup Gratitude… being willing to see my body and being through the eyes of Gratitude and Love and Adoring has completely shifted my mindset around my body… I now am thrilled to have her as she is… if she is desiring to change in any way I’m here to listen…
One of the ways I have created a space of gratitude for my body is every morning I spend about 10-15mins acknowledging each and every part of her… from my toes to my fingertips and the ends of my hair… I tell her good morning and hello beautiful body! And as I move throughout my day and I notice a judgement come up… I quickly flip it and smile and say HI Body (or whatever part I have judged) thank you for being with me, I’m so grateful for you!
In creating a space for me to be grateful for me, I have amazingly attracted and received more people into my world who are the same! I have discovered a strength of knowing and can now function with greater ease and speed in my interactions with others that has also given me a greater sense of space and gratitude! I often will wonder how did I get so lucky???

 

Lastly, but possibly one of the most tricky ones to begin with, Allowance…

Having and creating a space of allowance with me and the people around me has been interesting to say the least… Allowance to know I probably will never be a size 10 (like dude you weren’t that small since before puberty! Hahaha!!) Allowance to know that I can choose for me without having to seek validation or approval from others… Allowance to know that some others quite probably won’t wish to see me make big changes or choose as they wouldn’t and trusting that they will indeed judge the crap out of me for choosing what works for me anyway… and that it’s actually totally okay! Allowance for my lover to indulge in jealousy from time to time and for it to not stick me or for me go into self doubt or negate what my body is desiring in favour of trying to make it ok or right or to try and fix it… (see I have learned there too! Yeay! No more Ms Fix It! A simple POD POC* will suffice)
Having allowance to create space for people to be themselves around me has also drawn in more clients to my business, a close group of friends, and also some delicious beings I get to play with now… and every single one of them excites my body and my being and my mind.. I have discovered that with having more allowance for me, and also getting my BARS®* run regularly, means I don’t seem to go into that space of ‘will they won’t they’ or ‘why did they do that’ or ‘if I only said or did this then that wouldn’t have happened’ or ‘why aren’t I enough’ and so many other circulatory statements dressed up as questions… Having allowance not only for my choices but also the choices of others has created a huge space of freedom for me!
I now am able to have total awareness and knowing and can now read my body better than ever… Do I still muck up sometimes??? Sure! But I now don’t beat myself up about it for a bloody week! I’ll be like, right well that was an interesting choice, let’s not choose that one again… 😉

And while sometimes it can take a few minutes or hours or a day or so to get there… I do that transition much faster than ever before! And having people around me who are super aware of when I’m a bit energetically wobbly, or going into monkey mind, that will gladly ask me a couple of questions which propel me out of the labyrinth of crazy faster than any jumbo jet, are people I am in  gratitude for and knowing I can trust them to have my back and be there when I ask is an incredible gift in my world…

 

So let’s have a look at that ‘relationship’ thing again…. Do I choose it as I always have done? No…

I saw a few months back a friend of mine used the word “Creationship” and that made my body tingle! So what are me and I body doing at the moment??? We are in Creationship!!! With each other, and with all the other delicious and delightful people in my world right now… Will each of those people be there forever??? Possibly not, and maybe they will be… and that’s where the allowance comes in again… And the thing I desire most for every person I am in Creationship with… is that they choose for them… choose what excites them… choose what lights them up… choose what brings them the happiness and desires they always knew was possible but maybe never had the courage to reach out and receive… if that’s with me in their world, awesome! And if not.. well you know what? That’s awesome too! Because if they are choosing for them, just as I do for me, that is what I desire… and none of it has to make sense at all to the silly limited cognitive mind.
What if every moment that you ask a question which creates a choice and opens a possibility that then becomes the space for you to be the contribution you always desired to be to this sweet planet?
Lorene H. ~ March 2017

*BARS® is a fingers on the head, energetic body process that is used to relax, calm, and create generative space in the mind. Please contact me if you would like to know more. ❤

*POD POC is in reference to The Clearing Statement used in Access Consciousness please visit
www.theclearingstatement.com for more information

 

 

Love… The way I got Unscrewed

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First of all Id like to get technical for a momentbare with me. Itll all make sense and I promise it wont be the length of an architectural law lecture!

By definition Dictionary of the English language by Samuel Johnson (1768, 3rd edition)
To Love :
1,To regard with passionate affection. 2, to regard with affection of a friend. 3, to regard with parental tenderness. 4, to be pleased with. 5, to regard with a reverent unwillingness to offend.

Love:
1, The passion between the sexes. 2, Kindness; goodwill; friendship 3, Courtship. 4, Tenderness; parental care. 5, liking; inclination to. 6, Object beloved. 7, Lewdness. 8, Unreasonable liking. 9, Fondness; concord. 10, Principle of union. 11, Picturesque representation of love. 12, A word of endearment. 13 Due reference to God.

Old English lufu, of Germanic origin; from an IndoEuropean root shared by Sanskrit lubhyatidesires’, Latin libetit is pleasing’, libidodesire

Now heres where it gets a little more interesting…. When you think of the word love does it bring up the meanings above or something quite different??? Thanks to a quick Google search heres what it saysactually I wont bore you with reading all of that!

What I would like you to notice are the antonyms of ‘Love’
Hatred, hate, loathe, detest

For the longest time the wordlovehas held an intense and very dense hard and horrible twist to it (refer to the antonyms)From the moment I was conceived I was not unloved but I sure as anything wasnt exactly celebrated eitherMy father had a blossoming career in the Navy and my mother was near the end of her first year at university to become the English teacher she dreamed of becomingWell I guess I had other plans for them! Whoops sorry Mum and Dad! So they chose and changed directionand we became a family.

Many things shifted and changed in my world and a part of that was being in 4 different primary schools by the time I was 7 years old. My parents had split at this time and my life had been flipped upside down. I wasnt upset so much by that though as I was getting away from the girls who hated my hair cut and the teacher that broke my ruler and got me in trouble with my Dad for talking in classThe funny things that matter to a 6.5 year old! 😉

So we had moved to a small village to be near my Grandparents. It was a rural community and everyone knew everyone. My best friends became the kids up the street that had no street signs but we all knew what the names were (mostly!) and our days were spent in school or at the river or playing down at the domain and later on horse riding. It was probably the most happy times of my lifehowever what others didnt know was very subtly very quietly something was developing in my world

 

This event was the beginnings of me doubting what love could or would mean for me. Over a 2 year span until I was 9 years old I was very gently, very carefully, groomed and primed for adulthood. Without going into too many details, the man involved who I loved dearly, ended up being sentenced to jail for 2 years for sexual molestation. My Mum was the one I turned to when I became aware something was wrong with the relationship and I am so grateful to her for believing in me when many wouldnt have. She prevented something much more invasive happening and for that I am truly grateful.

 

Fast forward to 6 years laterIm 15 years old and have become friends with a group of kids a year or so older than me. I was happy, the kids my age annoyed me. And off I went to a partyI met a guyhe was kind and funny and really seemed to like mehe didnt treat me like some silly kid tagging alongand so we began our relationship.

 

Now when my Mum found out that he was 21, well you can imagine how that went down!!! I can only guess how she was feeling at that timethe fear that her daughter, with so much potential and intelligence, would end up pregnant and never get to live the life she dreamed that daughter could haveand so the freak out began. During this time the guy and I would hang outwe would hold hands, chat, watch TV, sometimes kiss, snuggle his baby pet possum, and laugh at the cute way his grandparents would kiss each other. He made it very clear that he would not have sex with me until I was of legal age, which for us was 16, and I was fine with that. He never went under my clothes and I was grateful for the escape from home life and to have some kindness, caring, love and nurturingsomething that had been missing from my life for a long timethat relationship only lasted 3 months due to my Mum making it very clear that my choice was not acceptable in her homeit just long enough to begin to cement further that to love someone was only going to lead to hurt.

 

Jump forward to the end of my second year away from home. I am studying architectural drafting and I have fallen in love with a lovely guy who was studying environmental sciences. It was an incredible summer, and one that I will always hold dear in my heart. However, he ended that via a letter as he didnt wish to have a long distance relationship and I still had 6 months to go before I was finished. Yup you guessed it. Another twist in the definition and strings of Love for meand in plops the Point Of View that I dont deserve a guy who will love, care, nurture, be fun, and create withthey will either leave or I would have to push away

 

And so up comes my first marriageooooh boy! Now that was a real flipat 21 years old I had gone from choosing guys who were kind and caring to someone who was a narcissistic arse! On the very first time I met him I thought, ‘Far out what a self centered wanker!’

 

But what happened??? I hear you askhow the hell did you end up with him???
Well several things, besides his manipulation of playing the victim and me wanting to make everything alrightthere was a stubbornness that rared its ugly head. My Mum didnt like himand although at the time I wasnt cognitive of why I was so determined to be with this guy, I can now look back and see a part of it was I was saying to my Mum, NO, not this time! You are not taking this one away too!
Childishyes maybewas I prepared to listen to her, or my family or friends. No
If I had known what awareness was back then, would I have listened to thatsomehow I doubt it… 
And so the next 7.5 years passmore and more layers and points of view I attached to me about love and what that means for meyet more twists in the threads of love, creating a bastardized version of it in my head and heartdebt, financial struggle, loss of family and friends, covering up the hurt with a smile, working hard to avoid being at home, agreeing to him having a girlfriend just so I didnt have to sleep with him as much, (I didn’t know about all the other girls he’d had over the years but by the time I did find out it didn’t matter to me any more, we were over), doing all the house work and upkeep just so I could pretend to myself as much as everyone else that it wasnt all a crock of crap and I had failed to choose correctlyand that my Mum was rightthat was the worst parthaving to tell her that I had ended the relationship and why

However what happened next was the most strange part for me everMy Mum hugged me, and told me to take all the time I neededto sleep when I needed to sleep, to eat when I wanted to and just do what I needed to do for meIt was the most amazing and special moment between usthe day she and I both were vulnerable enough to let everything go and just be.
My Grandad at that time stepped up to the plate and took a very shattered granddaughter under his wingtook her placeswatched as the spark began to return and when she started to get antsy and wanted to get busy being physical, created a job for us were it was just the two of us in his caravan building a 200m post and rail fence over hilly countryside. The work was tough, and my body LOVED it! I was cared for in the most gentle of ways. We would talk during the day about all sorts of things, he would listen as I unraveled all the hurt and anger and painhe allowed me the space I required to be quiet. And would tell me stories of his younger daysIf there was anything right about what happened with my first husband it was thatthat it created a space for me to spend 3+ amazing and physically intense weeks with my Grandadand for that I am truly grateful.
Then a couple more years passI had softened enough to allow another guy into my life. This one came with 3 teenage kids and 2 ex-wifes attached. I thought I loved him, I thought he loved meand then 3 days after I turned 30well he chose differently and I was left in a mess againand yet another twist in the tendrils of lovethat was a doozie because I didnt just lose him, I lost the kids too and that was tough

Truly its times like that I wish I had had known about the tools of Access Consciousness®! The recovery times would have been so much quicker! Haha

 

Plop forward to 2010I have chosen to move to Australiafind my self in a little trouble. This guy helps me outI am so grateful I end up living with him, in a relationship with him, renovate most of his house for and with him and attempting to have 2 kids with him, and marrying him (more so for the ease it may create later in retirement than actual love)… But this was a guy that truly couldnt loveI was so screwed up by all the bastardization of love created in my reality that to make it easier for me, I chose someone who couldnt love meI tried to prize it from him (super unkind I know now, however I didnt know that at the time) and I fought tooth and nail to create a space for him to learn to love himselfbut that just couldnt happen, and especially with the loss of the 2nd pregnancy that was the end for us
May 2015Im thanking the universe for giving me the tools of The Access BARS® during that last 8 months of our relationshipas they say, it was the best of times it was the worst of timesand the worst of times meant I left

By the end of that year I had bounced into another relationshipthis time it was with someone I could care about, but lovewell noloving myself was a work in progress and loving someone else was neigh on impossibleso I chose someone who I didnt have to loveand by the time I realized what I had done it was a year down the track and I had finally begun to wake up and get honest with myselfand while it was not an easy choice to make I chose once again to leaveI couldnt honour him. I couldnt have allowance for him and his choicesand my gratitude for him was slipping fastand that wasnt ok in my booksSo I did the kindest thing I could. And broke it off

 

So you may be wondering where am I at now??? You can see how all the twists happened (and those were just the major ones, there was an almost rape in there and also a few interesting relationships with girls thrown in for good measure!)… now it may make sense as to why I said to pay attention to those antonymsclever hey! 😉

Now for the fun part!! The unscrewing of Love!

 

So now I am choosing to receivein remembering how to receive from others, I have remembered how to receive from me

 

I began to receive adoring from new playmates, and also my business began to grow some moreI had new clients and a class to facilitateI had someone special in my world who was gently showing me the kindness and caring that I truly beand I began to look at why I wasnt willing to have another live in relationshipwhich uncovered all the energy and twistedness attached to the situations mentioned above

 

In doing that, I have discovered and unraveled this wordlovefrom all the hurt, rejection, judgment, loss, anger, pain, separations, decisions, computations and conclusions I have ever had about me and what love means to me, what it means for me to love and be loved, to be willing to love me, and bringing the word ‘love’ back to the pure form.
I used the tools and processes of Access to clear away many years and lifetimes of bastardization of the wordand after a full 5 days of this processing, and with the kindness and caring of two of my amazingly patient friends who live in other parts of the world, I thought I was getting somewherebaaah brrbnot as far as I thoughtthere was one final piece missingand it was revealed when my beautiful friend here in Adelaide responded to a cheeky I love you, Love you, love you from me regarding her doing me a favourwith I love you too honey
My whole chest contractedI knew she energetically sent that I love you with all the kindness and caring of a friend (*See definition #2 above!) and I couldnt receive it!
And that’s when the BIG shift happened…
I stopped…
I looked at what my body had just shown me…
And I laid down everything and said enough is enough Lorene!
This shit stops NOW! If you can’t even receive an “I love you” from your dear friend then what the fuck!?!
And I chose….
I chose ME..
I chose to receive…
I chose to actually USE and LISTEN to my awareness.
I chose to know what I know.
I chose to be me…
I chose to fall in love
with ME
with my play friends
with my dear friends
with the earth
with nature
with a smile
with a hug…
with a soft word
a whisper of I love you  
and a kiss on the cheek
In that moment I made the demand of me to be ALL of me… Love included

There is a huge freedom when all the twisted, miss applied and miss identified and bastardized shit has been cleared from the word love…

 

I am far more in communion with the earth now, with nature, with the things around me, and with the people I truly care about… Including and especially me!

 

 

I perceive a joyousness around and through me that I actually cant recall ever having felt this lifetime on this scaleIts quite fascinating to meAnd I am completely enraptured by itIts truly like I can breathe for the first time!

 

And now I can actually look at those definitions at the beginning of this blog and smileand for the first time this lifetime actually know what it means to love, to be nurturing, to care and to receive all of that from others as wellI now get it that in all my time of struggling to push that away from me, it resided within me all along and now that I am being vulnerable with those I care about that they now have the freedom to be that with me tooand for me, that is a huge gift!

 

An invitation for more happiness and joy on the planet and in my lifethat my friends is what I really desireand if it has to start with me then so be it! Im stepping up! And being that loving, caring, sweet, funny, nurturing, strong, tenacious, determined, completely aware, delicious, orgasmic, sexy, beautiful, amazing and inspirational being that I truly be

Big Hugs to you all!
Arohanui

Swimming pools for feet…

Since about mid December every morning when I wake up (I even set my alarm earlier so I have time to do this) I acknowledge every part of my body and tell it how grateful I am and how beautiful it is…
This is the first morning I have woken up looked at my feet and without trying went wow! Look at you!! You’re so beautiful!!! I just want to photograph and touch you!!

This has been a demand of me for this year to listen to my body but also really have kindness and gratitude for it… To love and adore it… To be my own best friend…. Have I made slip ups so far. Yes… But that’s cool, I gained awarenesses and keep going…

Let’s take a step back in time for a moment… Jan 2010 here we go!!!
So there’s me… on a plane (well 3 to be precise) on my way back to Auckland New Zealand from 10 days in the incredible New York City… I had had an amazing time and had loads of time to really ponder if I was truly choosing to remain in the building industry… 24ish hours after leaving NY I landed in NZ… I wasn’t tired (I had managed to sleep for about 8 hours on the last leg from LA to NZ) it was morning… I felt different, but just put it down to the flying/jetlag/excitement of new possibilities… it wasn’t till I went to walk up my very steep drive that I suddenly became aware of the huge heaviness in my feet and legs. It was as if I had huge “goon” bags (you know the silver inner bags from boxed wine) attached to my ankles! I got my suitcases up the stairs and pulled up my jeans and revealed my feet, ankles and calves were so swelled up the skin was beginning to hurt if I squeezed it… Luckily we had a pool and so I went and allowed my legs to cool off in there for a while… then I tried to rest (because that’s what everyone said I should be doing!) but it was 11am and I was wired… So off I toddled and drove 2 hours to visit my family in Taumarunui… where I spent some time down at the river connecting back to home soil… the swelling went down after a couple of days and I didn’t think about it again…

Fast forward a couple of years…Summer end of 2012 and it’s hot… I’m now living in Adelaide South Australia.. I’d made the big jump just 6 months after arriving back from USA… I’m in a relationship and we have had one trip back to NZ… I look down and my feet are swelled up again… weird???? So I put it down to it’s the  heat, or maybe the cider, or maybe I’m not exercising enough… I go and lay down, put my feet up, wrap them in towels and frozen peas and hope that will work… this up and down business carries on for the next 4.5 years…

I know you’re  asking did I go to the doctor??? Nope… I followed what my body was saying, well sort of… and tried to figure out the pattern, did different things… and generally forgot about it and it wasn’t happening…

Jumping forward again to November 2015… I was on the phone to my friend who uses Access Consciousness® tools… and my feet are swelled up… I asked her what she thought it may be as she’s super aware and psychic and stuff! And after some questioning, I finally realised what was true for me… My body is aware of the Earth… and is holding the ‘Tears’ in my feet and ankles… wow that’s so cool! and so not so cool at the same time…

So my sweet body continued on and off trying to tell me the Earth requires some contribution… I did my best with what I knew to do… it wasn’t quite enough but it did give me some ease…

Then I went to Noosa in November 2016 to attend the Choice of Possibilities class with Gary Douglas… and while there Dain Heer spoke of when he’s feeling wonky that he does this thing of gifting to the Earth energy 10 times 123 and 1234’s … and it was as if a fog was beginning to lift… so I began doing that for about a week… and then as it came up I would do them but not as consistently… and then last week as I was re-listening to the recordings of that class I was reminded about awareness is energy… fat, (and in my case with my feet and ankles) water or fluid is also energy… and so began the questioning of how many awarenessess am I choosing, in the form of fluid, to not only ignore and also hold on to that if I chose to acknowledge them and let them go would create magical ease in my body that should not be possible but totally is a reality for me???

Then yesterday during the Access BARS® class I was facilitating one of the beautiful participants mentioned Dr Dain Heer doing a video about a process called restoration of the communion with Earth… So for the last 15 minutes of each of their gifting and receiving sessions I gifted to their feet… running restoration of the communion with Earth…

I could perceive, both times, that delicious energy flowing from all 3 of us through the Earth and simultaneously from the Earth back through us… it was beautiful to be a part of…Then the most strange thing happened the second time I was running it… There’s me sitting on the floor holding this lovely lady’s feet and then… My inner thighs started to quiver… Ladies, you know what I mean…. Yes just like that!!!!

And this morning… What a beautiful gift my body has given me… acknowledging each of my body parts in turn and my foot asks to be seen… and there she was!! Beautiful, flexible, not holding onto anything… and asking to be touched and admired…
and I smile.. I smile as I have the gift of a delicious body.. And the gift of communion with Earth in a way I have never chosen before… and I smile as I gain even more ease for me and my abilities… I am grateful for the patience my body has with me and my slowly gaining of knowledge and skills.. and I am grateful for the delight that I now have in exploring this new space that I be!

Incredibly grateful for those two beautiful magical ladies yesterday.. And for my body and I to finally letting go and releasing and gifting to the Earth all the awarenesses and energies that were being held in my feet and ankles..

I wonder what other magical loving kindnesses my body and I can be???

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A Poem

from-the-expanded-space-of-me

From The Expanded Space

Breathing…

Deeply into every space

Every part of my body

Being aware of each individual molecule

Every atom vibrating and creating magic.

Hearing the cockatoo

Perceiving their heart beat

The ease of flying

The movement of wings

The rippling of the air

As the feathers, muscles, skin, and bones move

Perceiving the spark of contact

As tiny feet alight the bark

Inviting the loose leaves to fall

Watching the air molecules move and shift

As the organic matter meets the ground

Sending sparkles of energy through the earth

Up through my feet, my body and beyond

Contributing to me in every nanosecond

Celebrating this…

The expanded space of me…

Breathing….

~ Lorene Hughes ~

22-Jan-17

*Acknowledging Heather Nichols gift of facilitation and energetic body exercises

 

receiving-and-awareness

When you receive from someone you don’t have to have them in your world. Physically, as in a face to face touch thing, it’s not a requirement for them to be a part of your life.
I am able to receive from ex-partners, friends that have moved on and family members who are no longer on this earthy realm… Energetically I am receiving from them even if we have nothing to do with each other. For me I know when I’m in that space as I am grateful for them having been in my world and contributed to me in whatever way.. the good the bad and the ugly…
Women have traditionally been told that they can multitask, they can have several things on the go at once… it’s totally acceptable and it’s totally ok. But men or boys have been told they can only concentrate on one thing at once! They’ve had that drummed into them in so many ways… and then you get these beautiful humanoid men who are as potently aware as women and can focus on many different things at once.

So for example a male friend of mine and I had a conversation about this the other day… Whereby he said to me that a “complaint” from his friends is that when there is someone new on the scene for him, that he seems to become disconnected from them.
My friend and I can be having a conversation about business or creating something new and different with revenue streams… and he’ll be tapped into my website, my blogs, my facebook, me, my business, my past experiences and future possibilities all at once… he can do that with total ease… yet there was a block coming up for him around being able to have awareness and be an energetic contribution to multiple people in his personal life at the same time.
He commented that it was really interesting, because even when I am busy with other things he never felt like I wasn’t aware of him… he couldn’t perceive a drop off of energy from me…
My reply was that’s because there’s not… I’m aware of everybody, all the time… I’m aware of anybody who has come into my world… If I choose to have them in my world, the kindness and caring that I be is such that I’m aware of them and contributing to them if required, even when I’m not text messaging or having face to face time…
So he chose different and together we processed out some blocks, whereby he can now actually be energetically contributing and receiving everyone and everything simultaneously…

Like today I was processing through some past life experiences and I asked for his contribution and BANG! He was right there… Even though I know at that particular time he was out to dinner with friends… He was with me, telling me I was safe and I could let it go… and I am super grateful…
Whereas before, even if I had have asked, and he was busy, he wouldn’t energetically come… because he was already concentration on one thing, one person or situation… and now he is choosing to be aware and has stepped into the space of infinite energy contribution… and there’s a real lightness to him now… and it’s really interesting for me to perceive that difference…

As women and especially as Mum’s, the awareness of your children is 24/7, whether they are with you, down the street, with friends, at school… you’re aware of them… no matter what they are doing or you are doing and that’s totally expected… and that’s the funny thing… society expects women to be like that… they don’t expect males to do that and yet they can! Absolutely they can!!!

Going back to my male friend… so while he was blocking off his abilities to be aware and contribute to everything simultaneously, he was also blocking off his receiving from all those around him… and himself… and the planet… And now that he’s chosen to receive, he’s greater… he’s more aware… he’s not fighting so much within himself to buy into the lie that he can’t be aware of everything and everyone… he choosing to step more into his abilities across all areas of his life and living… and that’s a beautiful thing…

When you choose to receive yourself and your own abilities, your own gifts and talents, you become far more potent and you don’t even actually really require any extra effort it just happens naturally. And that’s a really delightful space to behold and play in… The fight and the struggle to be “normal” and to fit into what this reality deems as acceptable, no longer becomes a factor… and the ease of being that comes from that truly is so delicious and inviting…
And how does it get any more magical than that???

 

2 marriages, and a whole lot of information!

I was having a very frank chat with a friend about narcissistic aresholes and the following was the basis of that chat… after a little nudge from that friend that it would make a great blog! Here you go… Thanks for the nudge my friend 😉

Okay…. so the narcissistic aresholes I have chosen in the past….. you have to remember I was very lost and buried under my and everyone else’s piles of shit, aka Points Of View and judgements, and had zero knowledge of what awareness was back then….

The song “shake it off” now comes to mind! LOL

So what on earth would possess a young, talented, beautiful, loving and giving, (did I mention young, hahaha) 21 year old woman to hook up with narcissistic arseholes???

What was the brand of narcissistic arseholes that I had chosen?

Weeeeell……
These have been people I have chosen to feel indebted to, for “saving me from the loneliness of being in a new town with no friends”, or, in the case of the 2nd husband.. “for saving me from being homeless with no place to go.” People who I was super grateful for, who then used and abused it and when I began to say ‘Hey that’s not cool..’ would throw massive piles of guilt, blame and shame at me and make it my fault for their crap behavior both physical and emotional…

So I took it on… made it mine.. tried to be the people pleaser I had always been brought up to be… in the hopes of never being a statistic and being divorced…

Over the next 18 years, I chose guys who did not honour me, who would cheat on me, get angry about others not doing what they wanted them to do, and then rant and rave at me and expect me to fix the problem, would expect me to fix their financial issues, basically be their Mum. There was no gratitude in their worlds except for alcohol…

I tried really, really, hard to fit into their perception of what a good wife/partner would do..
I didn’t allow me to be all of me, I was scared… I was frightened that they would leave… and suddenly I was back in the space of a spunky 15 year old with no Dad on the scene and a Mum who was threatening to kick me out of the home and lose the holiday to Aussie over the summer, because of a relationship I was in with a 21 year old.. who funnily enough was honouring of me, all we did was kiss and cuddle… I was traumatized… and I dumped him…

Fast forward to my 20’s again…
If I tried to be me, the bright and bubbly me, the spontaneous me, they would make me wrong for that and tell me to grow up or that we haven’t got the money/time for that… and when I did try to talk with them, both verbally and written,they would just see it as attacking the structure/relationship/them and that didn’t go down well.. fortunately none of them hit me with fists.. but there were many moments of verbal and emotional abuse…

Now… here’s the thing…
IF I had of been all of me, would I have chosen them? No…
Would I choose them now? No…
Have they given me many gifts of awareness and growth?? Yes..
Am I grateful for each of them and the experiences I have had with them, both good and bad??? YES!

Some of the most wonderful people in my world now are people I had met while being with that person… So am I far more aware of the energies that are present now with those choosing that way.. yes and for that I am again super grateful!

I choose me now… I choose awareness like I have never chosen it before… I choose to continuously ask questions and be vulnerable enough to receive the awarenesses that come.. those “gut instincts” like when I met my first husband for the first time and thought ‘what a conceited, self centered arsehole!’ or the second one ‘oh he’s a likeable guy… but….’ and so the story goes… in kicks the loneliness, shame, guilt and regret of me, and the judgement of me not actually choosing for me… and next thing you know.. back yard wedding x 2! haha
It’s really interesting reflecting back on those times…

I certainly don’t allow them to rule my life now.. shit I wouldn’t have moved out of NZ and to a part of Australia where I knew no one if I did!

However the most interesting thing is for me now, is knowing how my body communicates with me.

That she was screaming at me from the moment I got engaged to the first husband not to do it… I put on a lot of weight (about 30 kgs) over the 7.5 years we were together..and my boobs went from a B-C cup to a DD in the first 7 months! and the more weight I put on, the smaller I made the true me… and every now and then she would pop up.. and those that got to see the true me loved me, adored me, lusted after me and told me so.. I will never forget when one of my work mates said to me at a Christmas function… I’m so glad your husband isn’t here.. you’re way more fun without him!

LOL…

My body tells me in lots of ways that she’s not digging that choice or decision, sexually she tells me… she gets harder to orgasm… she goes dry… she doesn’t tingle… she will not remain present while copulating.. she doesn’t smile or get flushed or have the butterflies in the tummy.. she will gain weight.. get lots of zits (sometimes in strange places).. swell up with fluid in the feet and belly.. lose interest in being touched by that person and would rather work than have them near her body.. her eyesight became poor (and when she found herself again it returned!).. and the vaginal infections became rampant.. middle ear infections arose… and headaches were very common..

Interesting signs and symptoms now that I am aware of them all!!
Oh my dear sweet body, how patient you have been with me all these years…

Now that my body and I are in communion with each other,and I am listening to even the fainest of whispers from her, and I have gotten out of the structures and judgements of how others think I should be and behave… when she’s around people who truly have her back, enjoy her for who she truly be (no matter what shape or size) and adore her, she gets all juicy, and tingly and sparkley and she smiles and laughs a lot..

There are many times I guess I wish I had of known then what I know now, but the past is the past and the wonderful thing is that the future hasn’t been had yet and so I can take this knowledge and use is NOW.. The act of stupidity/abuse would be to not use it now that I do know.. and that’s just not something I am choosing any more..

For I now know all of those moments that those previous people hurled abuse at me, physically and energetically and emotionally.. was likely a reflection of just how much I was abusing myself by not being aware, not following my “gut instinct”… not asking questions… and not being me…

Here’s the thing… I am not judging myself at all about those choices… I made peace with those people very quickly once I realized I could actually breathe with out them…  when I made those decisions I didn’t have the information that I do now… I didn’t know that I had the ability to choose something and someone different.. I didn’t know my own worth.. I didn’t and couldn’t see the amazing, potently aware, creative, funny, beautiful, being that existed… I thought the best thing for me was to settle and be indebted to these people for all that I can be… I was determined to be the best damn wife I could be! Hahaha and the funny thing is both of those husbands said exactly that… I was the best wife ever… But here’s the kicker… I wasn’t being me…

All of those choices I have made have lead me to this moment and have given me a very interesting life for sure! For that I am super grateful!
I have picked up so many skills and ways of being with people that give me an interesting ability to know when they are not being true to them… I have tried on a few occasions to use this skill to bring that inner beautiful and amazing potential out, however I now know it’s not my job to do that… I am not responsible for the choices other people make or don’t make or the reactions and emotions they have…

My job is to be me… ALL of me, with no apology.. To be a source if inspiration just by showing up as me and to be that with no expectations of anyone else..
It’s not been an easy road by any means… however through it all I have rediscovered the true me…

You know if it weren’t for those men having been in my world.. well I wouldn’t be where I am now…
A woman being her, the bright, shiny, bubbly, full of life and cuddles, laughter, tenacious, sexy, strong, confident, vulnerable, aware and super creator, that she truly be…

The me that you now get to see… and I wonder what the next 18 years and beyond will hold?

An Introduction to Lorene Hughes

Hi there friends….
On the 4th of August 2016 Glenyce Hughes released this video of my contribution to her Greatness Of You Video Series… I was delighted to have been asked to contribute…
How did I get so lucky???? I wonder what else could be created in this beautiful world by us just showing up as us??? 
Here is the link to have a peep at my take on this and also I invite you to subscribe to the series and take a wander through the rest of the amazing videos up there already..

Greatness of You Guest Lorene Hughes

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