2 marriages, and a whole lot of information!

I was having a very frank chat with a friend about narcissistic aresholes and the following was the basis of that chat… after a little nudge from that friend that it would make a great blog! Here you go… Thanks for the nudge my friend 😉

Okay…. so the narcissistic aresholes I have chosen in the past….. you have to remember I was very lost and buried under my and everyone else’s piles of shit, aka Points Of View and judgements, and had zero knowledge of what awareness was back then….

The song “shake it off” now comes to mind! LOL

So what on earth would possess a young, talented, beautiful, loving and giving, (did I mention young, hahaha) 21 year old woman to hook up with narcissistic arseholes???

What was the brand of narcissistic arseholes that I had chosen?

Weeeeell……
These have been people I have chosen to feel indebted to, for “saving me from the loneliness of being in a new town with no friends”, or, in the case of the 2nd husband.. “for saving me from being homeless with no place to go.” People who I was super grateful for, who then used and abused it and when I began to say ‘Hey that’s not cool..’ would throw massive piles of guilt, blame and shame at me and make it my fault for their crap behavior both physical and emotional…

So I took it on… made it mine.. tried to be the people pleaser I had always been brought up to be… in the hopes of never being a statistic and being divorced…

Over the next 18 years, I chose guys who did not honour me, who would cheat on me, get angry about others not doing what they wanted them to do, and then rant and rave at me and expect me to fix the problem, would expect me to fix their financial issues, basically be their Mum. There was no gratitude in their worlds except for alcohol…

I tried really, really, hard to fit into their perception of what a good wife/partner would do..
I didn’t allow me to be all of me, I was scared… I was frightened that they would leave… and suddenly I was back in the space of a spunky 15 year old with no Dad on the scene and a Mum who was threatening to kick me out of the home and lose the holiday to Aussie over the summer, because of a relationship I was in with a 21 year old.. who funnily enough was honouring of me, all we did was kiss and cuddle… I was traumatized… and I dumped him…

Fast forward to my 20’s again…
If I tried to be me, the bright and bubbly me, the spontaneous me, they would make me wrong for that and tell me to grow up or that we haven’t got the money/time for that… and when I did try to talk with them, both verbally and written,they would just see it as attacking the structure/relationship/them and that didn’t go down well.. fortunately none of them hit me with fists.. but there were many moments of verbal and emotional abuse…

Now… here’s the thing…
IF I had of been all of me, would I have chosen them? No…
Would I choose them now? No…
Have they given me many gifts of awareness and growth?? Yes..
Am I grateful for each of them and the experiences I have had with them, both good and bad??? YES!

Some of the most wonderful people in my world now are people I had met while being with that person… So am I far more aware of the energies that are present now with those choosing that way.. yes and for that I am again super grateful!

I choose me now… I choose awareness like I have never chosen it before… I choose to continuously ask questions and be vulnerable enough to receive the awarenesses that come.. those “gut instincts” like when I met my first husband for the first time and thought ‘what a conceited, self centered arsehole!’ or the second one ‘oh he’s a likeable guy… but….’ and so the story goes… in kicks the loneliness, shame, guilt and regret of me, and the judgement of me not actually choosing for me… and next thing you know.. back yard wedding x 2! haha
It’s really interesting reflecting back on those times…

I certainly don’t allow them to rule my life now.. shit I wouldn’t have moved out of NZ and to a part of Australia where I knew no one if I did!

However the most interesting thing is for me now, is knowing how my body communicates with me.

That she was screaming at me from the moment I got engaged to the first husband not to do it… I put on a lot of weight (about 30 kgs) over the 7.5 years we were together..and my boobs went from a B-C cup to a DD in the first 7 months! and the more weight I put on, the smaller I made the true me… and every now and then she would pop up.. and those that got to see the true me loved me, adored me, lusted after me and told me so.. I will never forget when one of my work mates said to me at a Christmas function… I’m so glad your husband isn’t here.. you’re way more fun without him!

LOL…

My body tells me in lots of ways that she’s not digging that choice or decision, sexually she tells me… she gets harder to orgasm… she goes dry… she doesn’t tingle… she will not remain present while copulating.. she doesn’t smile or get flushed or have the butterflies in the tummy.. she will gain weight.. get lots of zits (sometimes in strange places).. swell up with fluid in the feet and belly.. lose interest in being touched by that person and would rather work than have them near her body.. her eyesight became poor (and when she found herself again it returned!).. and the vaginal infections became rampant.. middle ear infections arose… and headaches were very common..

Interesting signs and symptoms now that I am aware of them all!!
Oh my dear sweet body, how patient you have been with me all these years…

Now that my body and I are in communion with each other,and I am listening to even the fainest of whispers from her, and I have gotten out of the structures and judgements of how others think I should be and behave… when she’s around people who truly have her back, enjoy her for who she truly be (no matter what shape or size) and adore her, she gets all juicy, and tingly and sparkley and she smiles and laughs a lot..

There are many times I guess I wish I had of known then what I know now, but the past is the past and the wonderful thing is that the future hasn’t been had yet and so I can take this knowledge and use is NOW.. The act of stupidity/abuse would be to not use it now that I do know.. and that’s just not something I am choosing any more..

For I now know all of those moments that those previous people hurled abuse at me, physically and energetically and emotionally.. was likely a reflection of just how much I was abusing myself by not being aware, not following my “gut instinct”… not asking questions… and not being me…

Here’s the thing… I am not judging myself at all about those choices… I made peace with those people very quickly once I realized I could actually breathe with out them…  when I made those decisions I didn’t have the information that I do now… I didn’t know that I had the ability to choose something and someone different.. I didn’t know my own worth.. I didn’t and couldn’t see the amazing, potently aware, creative, funny, beautiful, being that existed… I thought the best thing for me was to settle and be indebted to these people for all that I can be… I was determined to be the best damn wife I could be! Hahaha and the funny thing is both of those husbands said exactly that… I was the best wife ever… But here’s the kicker… I wasn’t being me…

All of those choices I have made have lead me to this moment and have given me a very interesting life for sure! For that I am super grateful!
I have picked up so many skills and ways of being with people that give me an interesting ability to know when they are not being true to them… I have tried on a few occasions to use this skill to bring that inner beautiful and amazing potential out, however I now know it’s not my job to do that… I am not responsible for the choices other people make or don’t make or the reactions and emotions they have…

My job is to be me… ALL of me, with no apology.. To be a source if inspiration just by showing up as me and to be that with no expectations of anyone else..
It’s not been an easy road by any means… however through it all I have rediscovered the true me…

You know if it weren’t for those men having been in my world.. well I wouldn’t be where I am now…
A woman being her, the bright, shiny, bubbly, full of life and cuddles, laughter, tenacious, sexy, strong, confident, vulnerable, aware and super creator, that she truly be…

The me that you now get to see… and I wonder what the next 18 years and beyond will hold?

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