Love… The way I got Unscrewed

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First of all Id like to get technical for a momentbare with me. Itll all make sense and I promise it wont be the length of an architectural law lecture!

By definition Dictionary of the English language by Samuel Johnson (1768, 3rd edition)
To Love :
1,To regard with passionate affection. 2, to regard with affection of a friend. 3, to regard with parental tenderness. 4, to be pleased with. 5, to regard with a reverent unwillingness to offend.

Love:
1, The passion between the sexes. 2, Kindness; goodwill; friendship 3, Courtship. 4, Tenderness; parental care. 5, liking; inclination to. 6, Object beloved. 7, Lewdness. 8, Unreasonable liking. 9, Fondness; concord. 10, Principle of union. 11, Picturesque representation of love. 12, A word of endearment. 13 Due reference to God.

Old English lufu, of Germanic origin; from an IndoEuropean root shared by Sanskrit lubhyatidesires’, Latin libetit is pleasing’, libidodesire

Now heres where it gets a little more interesting…. When you think of the word love does it bring up the meanings above or something quite different??? Thanks to a quick Google search heres what it saysactually I wont bore you with reading all of that!

What I would like you to notice are the antonyms of ‘Love’
Hatred, hate, loathe, detest

For the longest time the wordlovehas held an intense and very dense hard and horrible twist to it (refer to the antonyms)From the moment I was conceived I was not unloved but I sure as anything wasnt exactly celebrated eitherMy father had a blossoming career in the Navy and my mother was near the end of her first year at university to become the English teacher she dreamed of becomingWell I guess I had other plans for them! Whoops sorry Mum and Dad! So they chose and changed directionand we became a family.

Many things shifted and changed in my world and a part of that was being in 4 different primary schools by the time I was 7 years old. My parents had split at this time and my life had been flipped upside down. I wasnt upset so much by that though as I was getting away from the girls who hated my hair cut and the teacher that broke my ruler and got me in trouble with my Dad for talking in classThe funny things that matter to a 6.5 year old! 😉

So we had moved to a small village to be near my Grandparents. It was a rural community and everyone knew everyone. My best friends became the kids up the street that had no street signs but we all knew what the names were (mostly!) and our days were spent in school or at the river or playing down at the domain and later on horse riding. It was probably the most happy times of my lifehowever what others didnt know was very subtly very quietly something was developing in my world

 

This event was the beginnings of me doubting what love could or would mean for me. Over a 2 year span until I was 9 years old I was very gently, very carefully, groomed and primed for adulthood. Without going into too many details, the man involved who I loved dearly, ended up being sentenced to jail for 2 years for sexual molestation. My Mum was the one I turned to when I became aware something was wrong with the relationship and I am so grateful to her for believing in me when many wouldnt have. She prevented something much more invasive happening and for that I am truly grateful.

 

Fast forward to 6 years laterIm 15 years old and have become friends with a group of kids a year or so older than me. I was happy, the kids my age annoyed me. And off I went to a partyI met a guyhe was kind and funny and really seemed to like mehe didnt treat me like some silly kid tagging alongand so we began our relationship.

 

Now when my Mum found out that he was 21, well you can imagine how that went down!!! I can only guess how she was feeling at that timethe fear that her daughter, with so much potential and intelligence, would end up pregnant and never get to live the life she dreamed that daughter could haveand so the freak out began. During this time the guy and I would hang outwe would hold hands, chat, watch TV, sometimes kiss, snuggle his baby pet possum, and laugh at the cute way his grandparents would kiss each other. He made it very clear that he would not have sex with me until I was of legal age, which for us was 16, and I was fine with that. He never went under my clothes and I was grateful for the escape from home life and to have some kindness, caring, love and nurturingsomething that had been missing from my life for a long timethat relationship only lasted 3 months due to my Mum making it very clear that my choice was not acceptable in her homeit just long enough to begin to cement further that to love someone was only going to lead to hurt.

 

Jump forward to the end of my second year away from home. I am studying architectural drafting and I have fallen in love with a lovely guy who was studying environmental sciences. It was an incredible summer, and one that I will always hold dear in my heart. However, he ended that via a letter as he didnt wish to have a long distance relationship and I still had 6 months to go before I was finished. Yup you guessed it. Another twist in the definition and strings of Love for meand in plops the Point Of View that I dont deserve a guy who will love, care, nurture, be fun, and create withthey will either leave or I would have to push away

 

And so up comes my first marriageooooh boy! Now that was a real flipat 21 years old I had gone from choosing guys who were kind and caring to someone who was a narcissistic arse! On the very first time I met him I thought, ‘Far out what a self centered wanker!’

 

But what happened??? I hear you askhow the hell did you end up with him???
Well several things, besides his manipulation of playing the victim and me wanting to make everything alrightthere was a stubbornness that rared its ugly head. My Mum didnt like himand although at the time I wasnt cognitive of why I was so determined to be with this guy, I can now look back and see a part of it was I was saying to my Mum, NO, not this time! You are not taking this one away too!
Childishyes maybewas I prepared to listen to her, or my family or friends. No
If I had known what awareness was back then, would I have listened to thatsomehow I doubt it… 
And so the next 7.5 years passmore and more layers and points of view I attached to me about love and what that means for meyet more twists in the threads of love, creating a bastardized version of it in my head and heartdebt, financial struggle, loss of family and friends, covering up the hurt with a smile, working hard to avoid being at home, agreeing to him having a girlfriend just so I didnt have to sleep with him as much, (I didn’t know about all the other girls he’d had over the years but by the time I did find out it didn’t matter to me any more, we were over), doing all the house work and upkeep just so I could pretend to myself as much as everyone else that it wasnt all a crock of crap and I had failed to choose correctlyand that my Mum was rightthat was the worst parthaving to tell her that I had ended the relationship and why

However what happened next was the most strange part for me everMy Mum hugged me, and told me to take all the time I neededto sleep when I needed to sleep, to eat when I wanted to and just do what I needed to do for meIt was the most amazing and special moment between usthe day she and I both were vulnerable enough to let everything go and just be.
My Grandad at that time stepped up to the plate and took a very shattered granddaughter under his wingtook her placeswatched as the spark began to return and when she started to get antsy and wanted to get busy being physical, created a job for us were it was just the two of us in his caravan building a 200m post and rail fence over hilly countryside. The work was tough, and my body LOVED it! I was cared for in the most gentle of ways. We would talk during the day about all sorts of things, he would listen as I unraveled all the hurt and anger and painhe allowed me the space I required to be quiet. And would tell me stories of his younger daysIf there was anything right about what happened with my first husband it was thatthat it created a space for me to spend 3+ amazing and physically intense weeks with my Grandadand for that I am truly grateful.
Then a couple more years passI had softened enough to allow another guy into my life. This one came with 3 teenage kids and 2 ex-wifes attached. I thought I loved him, I thought he loved meand then 3 days after I turned 30well he chose differently and I was left in a mess againand yet another twist in the tendrils of lovethat was a doozie because I didnt just lose him, I lost the kids too and that was tough

Truly its times like that I wish I had had known about the tools of Access Consciousness®! The recovery times would have been so much quicker! Haha

 

Plop forward to 2010I have chosen to move to Australiafind my self in a little trouble. This guy helps me outI am so grateful I end up living with him, in a relationship with him, renovate most of his house for and with him and attempting to have 2 kids with him, and marrying him (more so for the ease it may create later in retirement than actual love)… But this was a guy that truly couldnt loveI was so screwed up by all the bastardization of love created in my reality that to make it easier for me, I chose someone who couldnt love meI tried to prize it from him (super unkind I know now, however I didnt know that at the time) and I fought tooth and nail to create a space for him to learn to love himselfbut that just couldnt happen, and especially with the loss of the 2nd pregnancy that was the end for us
May 2015Im thanking the universe for giving me the tools of The Access BARS® during that last 8 months of our relationshipas they say, it was the best of times it was the worst of timesand the worst of times meant I left

By the end of that year I had bounced into another relationshipthis time it was with someone I could care about, but lovewell noloving myself was a work in progress and loving someone else was neigh on impossibleso I chose someone who I didnt have to loveand by the time I realized what I had done it was a year down the track and I had finally begun to wake up and get honest with myselfand while it was not an easy choice to make I chose once again to leaveI couldnt honour him. I couldnt have allowance for him and his choicesand my gratitude for him was slipping fastand that wasnt ok in my booksSo I did the kindest thing I could. And broke it off

 

So you may be wondering where am I at now??? You can see how all the twists happened (and those were just the major ones, there was an almost rape in there and also a few interesting relationships with girls thrown in for good measure!)… now it may make sense as to why I said to pay attention to those antonymsclever hey! 😉

Now for the fun part!! The unscrewing of Love!

 

So now I am choosing to receivein remembering how to receive from others, I have remembered how to receive from me

 

I began to receive adoring from new playmates, and also my business began to grow some moreI had new clients and a class to facilitateI had someone special in my world who was gently showing me the kindness and caring that I truly beand I began to look at why I wasnt willing to have another live in relationshipwhich uncovered all the energy and twistedness attached to the situations mentioned above

 

In doing that, I have discovered and unraveled this wordlovefrom all the hurt, rejection, judgment, loss, anger, pain, separations, decisions, computations and conclusions I have ever had about me and what love means to me, what it means for me to love and be loved, to be willing to love me, and bringing the word ‘love’ back to the pure form.
I used the tools and processes of Access to clear away many years and lifetimes of bastardization of the wordand after a full 5 days of this processing, and with the kindness and caring of two of my amazingly patient friends who live in other parts of the world, I thought I was getting somewherebaaah brrbnot as far as I thoughtthere was one final piece missingand it was revealed when my beautiful friend here in Adelaide responded to a cheeky I love you, Love you, love you from me regarding her doing me a favourwith I love you too honey
My whole chest contractedI knew she energetically sent that I love you with all the kindness and caring of a friend (*See definition #2 above!) and I couldnt receive it!
And that’s when the BIG shift happened…
I stopped…
I looked at what my body had just shown me…
And I laid down everything and said enough is enough Lorene!
This shit stops NOW! If you can’t even receive an “I love you” from your dear friend then what the fuck!?!
And I chose….
I chose ME..
I chose to receive…
I chose to actually USE and LISTEN to my awareness.
I chose to know what I know.
I chose to be me…
I chose to fall in love
with ME
with my play friends
with my dear friends
with the earth
with nature
with a smile
with a hug…
with a soft word
a whisper of I love you  
and a kiss on the cheek
In that moment I made the demand of me to be ALL of me… Love included

There is a huge freedom when all the twisted, miss applied and miss identified and bastardized shit has been cleared from the word love…

 

I am far more in communion with the earth now, with nature, with the things around me, and with the people I truly care about… Including and especially me!

 

 

I perceive a joyousness around and through me that I actually cant recall ever having felt this lifetime on this scaleIts quite fascinating to meAnd I am completely enraptured by itIts truly like I can breathe for the first time!

 

And now I can actually look at those definitions at the beginning of this blog and smileand for the first time this lifetime actually know what it means to love, to be nurturing, to care and to receive all of that from others as wellI now get it that in all my time of struggling to push that away from me, it resided within me all along and now that I am being vulnerable with those I care about that they now have the freedom to be that with me tooand for me, that is a huge gift!

 

An invitation for more happiness and joy on the planet and in my lifethat my friends is what I really desireand if it has to start with me then so be it! Im stepping up! And being that loving, caring, sweet, funny, nurturing, strong, tenacious, determined, completely aware, delicious, orgasmic, sexy, beautiful, amazing and inspirational being that I truly be

Big Hugs to you all!
Arohanui

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