Self-flagellation ~ A Childhood Coping System

It’s time for a little story…
Back when I was a wee one, I grew up in a family of incredibly strong, dominating, controlling, talented, tenacious, competitive, and intelligent, women, who were not particularly good at expressing their vulnerability, love, intimacy, or emotions, and preferred to bottle those elements up, wrap them in a layer of resentment, tied up with a ribbon of anger, and throw them in the cupboard in a bag of disdain.
Seeing those elements around you every day, it’s kind of easy to see how a child who is very aware,

emotionally sensitive, feels others emotions in their body, and enjoys playing with the different elements of the world including the elementals and is aware of spirit… may find this family dynamic difficult.

A child, such as me, creates various coping mechanisms… one of my strongest that came out to play this week was the one of self-flagellation so the person who was judging me and my enthusiasm could feel justified in their hurtful comments and back off and leave me alone…

The triggers were coming up HARD!
The cooling off of contact leading up to the conversation, the truths with lies attached (which of course I was aware of), and after pressing for the truth, out flowed the judgement.
Wrapped up with a glittery bow of 
“I don’t want to hurt you but…”

The woman is acting from her own hurt space, and while that may not be ok, especially from a so-called friend, this moment was one for me to process.

Did I wobble?
Did I cry and grieve?
Did I take a breath and ask my amazing body
‘What would you like me to do right now?’
And so we walked, we found a park, we sat, and we looked at things far more objectively…

As I sat on the grass breathing deeply and being energetically expanded out…
I asked my body/awareness…
Of my closest friends, would they judge me for the passion I have for my business and how much healing and spiritual trauma releasing and feminine recovery lights me up?
Do we share experiences and bounce off each other and support and celebrate each other even if we are in different fields of interest?
Then I asked, If Richard Branson was told
“Mate would you just stop talking about owning a fleet of airplanes or going into outer space!”
Would he have listened and allowed their opinions to slow him down or divert him from his goals?
Then I thought, who can I go spend some time with now that won’t judge me and loves hearing what I’m up to and I absolutely love hearing what she’s up to?

And Boom! One of my incredible friends who’s worked bloody hard all her life, who’s a very successful businesswoman, is a multiple property owner and just a down-to-earth awesome chic, popped into my mind…
and she said ABSOLUTELY! Come on up!

She listened quietly while I read my response to the judgemental woman… and said “Seven”
I said “huh?”
She seriously said “Seven times you made yourself wrong. She made the cuts but YOU rubbed salt into those wounds and made them worse… You may as well have just stuck a rod up your butt so she could put you on the spitroast and lit the fire underneath so she can serve you up again and again… You must STOP that shit NOW!”

After laughing at the analogy I had to agree…
I had done exactly that… but why???

And wooosh all that childhood appeasing, peacemaking, and blame taking, just to keep those strong mother types in my life from cutting me to shreds came forward…

And this is where it stops.

If you follow any astrology stuff you’ll know that relationships stuff is really up at the moment to be analyzed and assessed.

And as I sit back now I am now able to have gratitude for that woman saying what she did.
She showed me, directly to me, her hurt spaces.
And also allowed my very old coping mechanisms to be triggered and removed/healed.
I was able to once again strengthen the friendships even deeper with those who are in my world for my highest and best, and who do truly have my back.
And open myself to an even deeper level of love, peacefulness, and allowance with who I be…

So as a celebration of the gift that YOU be in my world I offer you this poem of encouragement…

You and The Sunset

Do you have any idea
Just how unique you are?
Much like no two sunsets
are the same
Neither are you.
And yet you continue to try
to conform to an unimaginable
unknown version of ‘normal’.
What if there was no normal for everyone?
What if the version of you
that is you right now
IS perfectly normal…
For YOU?
Perhaps like the setting of the sun
Today you are pinks and oranges
Tomorrow you are blues and purples
Yesterday was grey and green
The day after tomorrow is yellow and peach
and on and on and on…
You don’t see or feel the sun, clouds, or earth
judging each other for being different each day
So neither should you.
The power of being in allowance
of all of you…
is the gift you give your body,
your being, and the planet.
Much like the beating wings
of the butterfly has the possibility of
being perceived around the planet…
So can your thoughts.
Be mindful my sweet
You are far more potent
Than you realise…

~ Lorene Hughes ~
5th Dec 2021

Grange Beach, Adelaide, South Australia

One thought on “Self-flagellation ~ A Childhood Coping System

  1. To my beautiful fairy friend… that is an inspiring and vulnerable read.. you are a wonderful gift… gems and treasures being unwrapped with each exposure to more…


    Wendy Schober


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